The Techno-Transfer Generator

The money prank recently perpetrated against Sepp Blatter served as another timely reminder of the current uneasy relationship between global football and its life-force and enabler. While the upper echelons of FIFA may now be turning out their pockets, with the summer transfer window global football is running once again hand in hand with hard cash. Though some fans may be wincing at the fees being bandied around (the Raheem Sterling transfer in particular comes to mind) they can hardly blame the clubs for the monetisation of the game. A report published by the European Gaming & Betting Association back in 2013 found that $58 billion was gambled on sporting events. Of this total, the EGBA believed that 70-85% of the bets used to make this prediction were made on football. Staggeringly, they predicted that this sum would rise to $70 billion by 2016. Given the few success stories of these bets (whose gambling account is ever in profit?) this movement of money suggest that not only are fans mad on predicting results they’re also fairly rubbish at it. It seems then that to speak of the modern game is to speak of the money that surrounds it.

Nailed It...

Nailed it…

Yet with the operation and running of football clubs so often resembling the unscheduled dips and dives of a chaos theory model, how can anyone ever hope to make sense of it all? Or more to the point, if we have accepted that football needs money and yet simultaneously neither the fans nor the owners seems to know where it’s going, should we bother predicting?

When Jesse and I started this blog, we did so with the intention of fulfilling a niche taste that wouldn’t pander to transfer gossip. Yet, given that to both of us it seems that even the people that do want to predict the game don’t have a clue, we thought we would take our (as usual) uniquely different approach to the game.

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Football predictions mit Jamie xx

As we sat ‘mit beers’ in a field in Germany listening to hard techno (the one true genre of music) discussing my attempts to grow a moustache and Jesse’s love of vibesy shorts, we slowly created an alternative model to solve the hardest sum in the game: the transfer window.

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The highly detailed lists

And so, please allow us to present: the Student Footballer’s Techno-Transfer GeneratorTM. Using a highly complicated, hand woven logarithmic method, we sorted through the best free agents and curve-ball signings going circa the 22nd of July in our attempt to finally crack the football source code.

techno transfer

Below is our list of predictions as chosen by our foolproof method. Be sure that come the 1st September we’ll be back to gloat and boast about our genius. Until then roll on pre-season, more ludicrous fees and over-draft testing accumulators.

Results:

Didier Drogba – PSG
Filipe Luis – Aston Villa
Chicharito – Spurs
Rickie Lambert – Newcastle
Julian Draxler – Lyon
Andrea Rannochia – Marseille
Joao Moutinho – Atletico Madrid
Emmanuel Adebayor – Roma
Mohammed Salah –LA Galaxy
Juan Cuadrado – Man U
Kevin Mirallas – Real Madrid
Casper Cillesen – NYFC
Karim Benzema – Bayern Munich
John Stones – Man City
Pedro – Schalke 04
Arjen Robben – Guangzho Evergrande
Thomas Muller – Juventus
Marco Reus – Chelsea
Loic Remy – Milan
Paul Pogba – Stoke
Arturo Vidal – Borussia
Joey Barton – Barcelona
Xherdan Shaqiri – Liverpool

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